I initially brought this up as kind of a half-assed idea, and since I'm kind of tired of a.) talking about big deep life thoughts and b.) the idiotic commercials that are on the airwaves nowadays, I figured I might write a little something about that for a change. Most of my beef with awful commercials is the fact that it wasn't just one idiot who thought these things up - a whole boardroom full of stuffed shirts sitting around a glossy conference table watched this and said, "YES! This is the image we want to represent our product!" Adding insult to injury is that there are actually people out there who are paid handsomely for coming up with dreck like this. Partially inspired by a recent conversation with a friend over dinner, I threw out a post on my Facebook about dedicating a blog entry to it. To my delighted surprise, my buddies seemed all gung-ho on this idea. Some are my choices; some are theirs. In the case where the commercial was a suggestion by someone else, I've screened and reviewed it for submission (yeah, you're welcome). But if it's here, I hate it, and I'll explain why.
#1: Heidi Klum's Light and Fit Yogurt Commerical
The Premise: Heidi Klum sits in the lobby of what appears to be a gym or spa, slurping and humming and generally making inappropriate noises into a tub of yogurt. An unfortunate-hairdo'ed fellow patron turns and expresses her disbelief... not at the supermodel's unceremonious behavior, but at the fact that the snack she's going practically orgasmic over is only 80 calories.
Why I Hate It: For one thing, it's being played out ad nauseum on Investigation Discovery (ID), of all places. It's one of my favorite channels, and I'm getting bloody tired of seeing this commercial pop up at every break, to the point where I'm about ready to start deliberately throwing my clean clothes in the mud so I have a convenient excuse to get up and do laundry so I can avoid seeing it. Second, it's yogurt. No human being who is not infected with a scorching case of pellagra is going to get that fricking excited about yogurt. Adding insult to injury is the fact that the fine folks at Dannon expect me to believe that Heidi Klum actually eats.
#2: The Free Credit Report.com Commercials
The Premise: I hate each and every one of these spots without prejudice, but for the purposes of this discussion, I'm choosing the one that irks me the most. A shaggy hipster in a zip-up hooded sweatshirt stands around playing guitar with two similarly-looking wastoid buddies and bitching about how he didn't know his wife-to-be had lousy credit, and as a result he's now living in her parents' basement. Had he only had the foresight to (invade her privacy and) visit freecreditreport.com, he would have never married her.
Why I Hate It: Where do I start? First of all, his testimonial is factually incorrect on two levels: for one thing, he's whining about being stuck in a basement apartment, which is funny considering behind him are two large windows with sunlight streaming in. I know that those of you who live in Florida are unfamiliar with basements, but having lived in one myself, I can tell you that if they have windows at all, they're about the size of a porthole and are at the very top of the wall near the ceiling, because the rest of the dwelling is (you guessed it!) underground. Second, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to check another person's credit report before marrying them (and perhaps even after, I'm honestly not sure how the law works) without having a legitimate business-related reason. And all the while this useless slob is sitting around complaining about his situation, his financially unstable wife is seen bustling around doing the laundry. You can really only see her from behind in the ad, but I'm pretty sure she could have done better than a bedheaded tone-deaf mook who thinks it's a far better idea to sit around playing guitar in his sunlit basement with his doofy friends than to get his lazy ass a job and save up for the down payment on the house that he's complaining he can't get. The only freecreditreport.com commercial that I even marginally enjoy is the one where he's driving around with the aforementioned loser buddies in a crappy old jalopy, and that's really only due to the fact that he's getting laughed at.
#3: The Huggies Jeans Diapers Commercials (Suggested by Jagoda)
The Premise: Early afternoon in a posh neighborhood in Beverly Hills (or somewhere of the like). A pair of swankily dressed ladies cease their conversation and pull their designer sunglasses down their noses. A man loses his grip on a batch of balloons and stares. A classic convertible pulls up and a tuxedoed chauffeur opens the door to admit the new arrival. Is it a Hollywood A-lister? A rock mogul? A professional athlete? No... it's a toddler in a pair of Huggies stylized to look like denim.
Why I Hate It: I'd never seen this commercial before, so when I started watching, my first reaction was... damn, I can't include this one. It's really not that bad. The kid was cute and stylishly dressed (I hate it when parents dress little kids in ugly clothes, it's just unfair), and the ad was just alive with color, which is always a plus. Then the voiceover started. It sounded suspiciously like that stupid Antonio Banderas-wannabe bee (wannabee?) who does the Nasonex commercials. -1 point. Then he starts spouting out gems such as "my diaper is full... of style" and "when it's number 2, I'm number 1." Oh, hell no. Listen, the only voiceover artist who could ever get away with spouting out crap (no pun intended) like this was Isaac Hayes, and he checked out to join the aliens in the volcano a little over two years ago, so the folks at Huggies really should have taken that as a sign that this spot never should have been made. The closing line of the ad: "The coolest you'll look pooping your pants." Hey, Huggies, you made three mistakes here. Mistake 1: Talking incessantly about poop is only funny when Adam Sandler lights it on fire and throws it on Old Man Clemens' porch. Mistake 2: I hate to disappoint, but nobody's going to want to spend extra money to get a denim pattern printed on something that their kid is going to take a dump in, and is most likely going to be covered up by clothes anyway. Babies running around in diapers with no pants on in public just look like little mini-rednecks. The only way you could possibly have made this worse is by making Huggies Overalls diapers. Mistake 3: Your tagline deludes children into thinking that sh*tting themselves is going to somehow elevate their popularity. Some six year-old kid is probably going to watch that and deliberately crap in his pants and end up utterly humiliated at PS 322. That's not only bad television; it's socially irresponsible.
#4: Quizno's Singimals Commercials - Starring Kittens (Suggested by Blaser)
The Premise: I can't describe this one too extensively without giving myself nightmares, so I'll try to be brief: three kittens in 18th Centuryish garb sing in horrible falsetto voices about Quizno's new 5-4-3 deal, to the tune of "Three Blind Mice."
Why I Hate It: For starters, I learned nothing about the product during this commercial, due to the fact that I was so horribly fixated by the godawful assault on my eyes and ears that was taking place. I think it was at about the 0:17 mark that I started hugging my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth and crying for my mommy. For my second reason, I'm going to pull the "factually inconsistent" card again. There are three kittens singing to the tune of "Three Blind Mice." Would it not be more logical to have three mice singing about Quizno's tasty (if overpriced) toasted subs? That would at least explain the gratingly high-pitched voices. Rodents selling food are economic gold - haven't you seen Ratatouille? Somewhere out there are a bunch of unemployed animatronic blind mice who are mightily pissed off that they got passed over on this deal and are going to pick up their Braille phones and call up the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission and demand retribution. Between that and my psychiatrist's bills, I can't imagine that this is going to be very cost-effective for the toasted sub-selling conglomerate. Yo, Quizno's - you might want to rethink that 5-4-3 deal. You're going to need the extra income for your attorney's fees. (And you might want to add a "for a limited time only" disclaimer while you're at it.)
#5: The Honda "Mr. Opportunity Sings Opera" Commercial
The Premise: An opera diva made up like a two-bit hooker sings an aria bemoaning (in Italiano, naturalmente) a missed opportunity, when who should come knocking at her door but Mr. Opportunity himself, come to save the day with amazing deals on Hondas and an impressive vibrato to boot. As he hits the final resonating note, a single tear rolls down his cheek. Aaaaaaaaaaand... scene.
Why I Hate It: I was really torn on this one, hence saving it for last. I've got a lifelong hatred for car commercials in general (there's just too damn many of them), although I've always kind of had a soft spot for Mr. Opportunity, since he's kind of a stud. He's really the only cartoon character I've had a crush on since Johnny Bravo (no worries, Johnny - you're still my number 1). However, this latest ad just takes it way too far. As anyone who's heard my recent bitching about Gilbert and Sullivan can confirm, I hate opera. If my friends are in a production, I will gladly go in support of them. But to be forced to watch opera in my own home, and about Hondas? Dammit, a line has to be drawn somewhere. Mr. Opportunity, I'd like to see you in your trailer. Immediately.
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