- Mario
“I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to.”- Taylor Swift
“Breathe in, breathe out
Give it up, you'll never live this down
Last call, lost cause, who's counting?”
- Hit the Lights
“I breathe in, I breathe out.
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time, 'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then, I breathe in and breathe out.”- Chris Cagle
Man, pop stars love to sing about breathing. Is it any wonder people think of it as such a big huge important thing?
Hell, I thought it was pretty important. Important enough to undergo a surgical procedure in order to do it properly. It put me out of commission for about a week, which really is pretty minor in comparison to things some of my friends have had done. But it had a little bit more of an effect on me than I'd expected. What I'm about to express here is only one little tiny part of it, but I figure it's as good a place to start as any.
I'm going to say this once, and I'm going to say it in a pretty blunt manner, because honestly, no other manner is going to get the message across, and it needs to be said. Not just to the countless legion of friends I've seen who are banging their heads against a wall repeatedly because they just don't understand what's going wrong, but to me. To make sure I remember. This is for me, you, all of us. It started with one line in a TV show (that I have never seen, and never plan on seeing), then evolved into a self-help book (which I haven't read yet, so if I'm quoting it, it's indeliberate), followed by a blockbuster romantic comedy. And most of the parties involved made millions, because they took a very, very obvious thought, and put it into simple words that even the most oblivious of us can understand.
He's just not that into you.
As much as we'd like to tell ourselves otherwise, that's really what it boils down to. And for the record, I haven't read the book, either. This comes from a lot of observations from my own life, as well as seeing the efforts and the failings of others, along with some strange sort of "AHA!" moment that I'm not entirely convinced wasn't somehow produced by the fact that a little over a week ago, a surgeon was poking around with a scalpel in an area perilously close to my brain. I'm still thinking something got knocked loose.
He doesn't call. Doesn't text. Doesn't always answer your texts. Doesn't go out of his way to see you. But when you bend over backwards to see him, he... well, he hangs out with you, right? He flirts with you, right? He SMILES, for pity's sake! He's just in a weird place right now. He doesn't know what he wants. No matter what, we'll always be friends. I've heard all of these things before. Hell, I've said all of these things before, which is probably what qualifies me as just a teensy bit of an authority on the subject. And in every circumstance that I heard (and said) them, they were big fat bundles of nonsense. Maybe he's not being insincere when he says it... maybe he thinks he's in a weird place, or that he doesn't know what he wants, or that you'll always be friends. And because of how unfairly ambiguous this all is, we're willing to buy it. He'll come around. This is just temporary. After all, if we're friends, there's always the chance that it'll turn into more.
If you're into playing odds like that, you could just buy a lottery ticket.
I should know. I wasted over two years of my life kidding myself into thinking I was going to get my ex back. We broke up, and within two months, we were going places together. Cuddling. Holding hands. Spending the night together. Doing all the normal boyfriend-girlfriend things. Except for one tiny little detail.
We weren't boyfriend-girlfriend. And I stupidly tried to have "the talk" with him a number of times. My message never hit home. But to be fair, neither did his. Even when he moved to the opposite side of the country (yep), I was still duped into thinking it could work somehow. That maybe we just weren't meant to be together "right now," but eventually, one of us would move to be with the other. He wasn't emotionally mature enough to be with me. He couldn't commit to anyone, but when he got to the point that he could, I'd be there waiting. At the very least, I thought, we'd always be part of each other's lives somehow. We were just too close, had too strong a friendship for that to ever change.
But it did. One day he told me he'd met someone, and as mature and "big" about the whole thing as I thought I'd be, I was reduced to the whimpering, sobbing seventeen year-old I was the first time I got dumped. I didn't let him see that, of course. I didn't have to. After that day, I never heard from him again.
The thing I'm laughing at myself about now is that even after a turn like that, I still didn't get it. In the year (man, it's only been a year?) since that little heartbreak, I was interested in my share of people. Usually I'd go out with a guy once or twice, and in typical girlish fashion, I'd daydream about what it could turn into. Most of the time, I'd be the one making the phone call or sending the email first. I'd attempt to wear cute outfits when I knew I'd see him. It was as though I was trying to earn extra credit points for something. And I suppose we all do that.
I don't know when it was that I figured it out, but I decided at some point that my self-respect was just a little more important. And the trouble with throwing yourself at someone is twofold: firstly, throwing things repeatedly at a brick wall over and over does not increase the probability that they're going to stick. And aside from that, things that get thrown repeatedly typically end up pretty beat up in the end.
I wish I could tell you how I did it. To put it in the simplest terms, I suppose I decided that I had to start thinking about how I was feeling, because if I didn't, no one else was going to... certainly not my would-be suitor. And really, he's not obligated to. So I took all that time that I was thinking of someone else, and I put it toward all the things I'd forgotten about before whoever that someone happened to be came along. And something awesome happened. I started having ideas. I got motivation, opportunities, a little self-assurance, and a
really strong sense of direction. And I suppose it was because I stopped waiting for something to happen and started making things happen.
But despite what the last several paragraphs might have you believe, this isn't about me. It's honestly and truly for anyone who's ever buried themselves in a lost cause and forgot to come up for air. I know you've heard this all before, and I'm sure just my preaching it at you isn't going to get you to believe me. But just in case... if ever I throw something at someone and get it to stick, I want it to be this. I had to go through two thousand miles, countless humiliating moments, and an invasive surgical procedure to figure this out. I'm hoping I can save someone else just a little bit of trouble. I'm aware that it's easier said than done, and I'm sure that every pair of eyes that comes across this is going to think they're the exception to the rule. The beauty of it is, even if you truly, in some mystical, far-fetched world, ARE the exception, you've got absolutely nothing to lose by dropping the puppy dog act and being good to yourself.
I went under the knife so I could breathe again. I had absolutely no idea just how effective it would be.
“Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care.”
- Pink Floyd
“But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe.”
- Anna Nalick
“If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is all right
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is all right
If I just breathe.”
- Michelle Branch
